Digital Joe #34

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The Oscars are finally over. The second-guessing has started. But not here. Oh no! We do things a little different here. A minute-by-minute recap of the show with the good (Keisha Whitaker), the bad (Jessica Biel´s pink dress), and the ugly (Alan Arkin over Djimon Hounsou).

8:30 pm-Well, at least the show started on time. Probably the first time all night they´ll be sticking to a schedule.

8:36-First appearance of Jack Nicholson bald. Trust me, it ain´t gonna be the last.

8:40-Second appearance of Jack Nicholson bald. Told ya.

8:45-"Pan´s Labyrinth" wins its first award of the night for Best Art Direction. The Oscar is presented by Mr. James Bond and the former Mrs. Ethan Hunt.

8:57-"Pan´s Labyrinth" wins #2, this time for Make-up, as presented by Jack Black, John C. Reilly and Will Farrell after a fairly entertaining, yet forgettable, song. Jack Black singing…didn´t that ship already sail when "Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny" flopped?

8:59-Dame Judi Dench is a no show tonight. She´s having surgery. Surgery? She misses the Oscars for surgery? Even though she has no chance of winning the Best Actress award?

9:00 to 9:05-Jaden Smith, presenting with Abigail Breslin, gives a better performance in 5 minutes than he did in all 117 minutes of "The Pursuit of Happyness." And if we have to see one more reaction shot from Will and Jada when their little guy flubbed his lines…

9:05-Bald Jack. Again. That´s number three in 35 minutes. This is going to be a long night.

9:07-Ed O´Neill is promoting something…wait, I just switched the channel during the commercial. Never mind.

9:09-Yup, still a commercial. For anyone interested, the Pacers are leading the Kings at halftime, 50-47, over on ESPN.

9:13-Best Sound Editing. "Letters From Iwo Jima." Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear. Totally lame joke about audio synching.

9:17-Nomiee for Worst Dressed: Jessica Biel. This is the Oscars, not the prom. Ditch the neon pink. First win of the night for "Dreamgirls." (Sound mixer Kevin O´Connell, celebrating nomination number 19, doesn´t win. Someone give him a damn Oscar already.)

9:20-First important award goes to Alan Arkin for "Little Miss Sunshine."

9:26-Those dancers are back. They do "Happy Feet." I´m happy feet-ing it over to ESPN because we have a commercial…

9:27-Boy, that was quick. Sacramento took the lead, 53-51 in the third quarter. "Patton" is being shown on AMC; "A Star is Born" (1937) over on TCM. That´s the best counter-programming movie channels can come up with?

9:30-Music time. Randy Newman and James Taylor for "Cars"…

9:33-…Melissa Etheridge for "An Inconvenient Truth." Remember the name. I guarantee we´ll hear it again. By the way, doesn´t Melissa look damn good?

9:36-Jerry Seinfeld looks about as enthused to be at the Oscars as I am watching his show. That is to say he´s nearly comatose.

9:40-"Family Guy" is riffing on saving sex for marriage…wait, wrong channel again. Damn commercials.

9:42-Bald. Jack. ´Nuff said. Number four, for those keeping count.

9:42-Cameron Diaz hasn´t learned a thing from the Golden Globes, has she? Ma´am, you´re ugly with black hair. Buzz it off like Britney, dye it back to blonde, wear a hat…do something. Luckily she won´t be seen on screen in this summer´s "Shrek 3."

9:49-Jack Alert. Number 5. "The Departed" wins Award #1 for Adapted Screenplay. Tom Hanks is trotted out to the masses with Helen Mirren. Best looking 61 year old I´ve ever seen. (Mirren, not Hanks.)

9:53-Jack in the background.

9:54-Jack.

9:58-Sacramento is pulling away from Indy, 87-74, end of the third quarter.

9:59-Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt present the Best Costume Design award. Someone forgot to tell these two giggling girls this is the Oscars, not the Globes. Drinking happens AFTER the ceremony.

10:05-Yep, take however long of a moment you want, Tom, to honor Sherry Lansing.

10:08-Roslin and Adama are carrying papers around Colonial One. A joke is made about one of his beds being open for the president…dammit! Wrong show again. Lansing is still talking. Back to "Battlestar Galactica."

10:10-Clint and Ellen take a picture. How cute.

10:12-Another win for "Pan´s Labyrinth," this time for Cinematography.

10:16-Gee another commercial. Over on Sci Fi, Gaius Baltar has his pants down. Now I really need to watch this episode.

10:19-Programming note: the Rockets play in Denver Friday night, 10:30 on ESPN. And the Kings are just about done with the Pacers, 96-81.

10:20-"Superman Returns" loses its only Oscar chance to "Pirates of the Caribbean" (Visual Effects). Sorry, in a year when the Academy has gotten it completely wrong, this is just icing on the cake.

10:29-Upset Number 2. Foreign Language Film goes to "The Lives of Others."

10:33-The good award are finally here. Jennifer Hudson and her, er, girls meet George Clooney when she wins for "Dreamgirls."

10:37-Commercial break means a check on ESPN. Ohio State knocked off Wisconsin in college hoops. Good to know.

10:39-Stuart Scott is talking about "Grey´s Anatomy." On ESPN. Gotta love corporate synergy.

10:41-Best line of the night goes to Gael Garcia Bernal: "Long or short, it´s what you do with it that counts." Then he winks at the camera. Now why can´t he always look like this? Muy caliente. Oh yeah, something won for Best Documentary Short.

10:44-Sorry, we´re not wondering where Jerry Seinfeld has been. Especially with the bits that stunk up the Kodak Theater. "An Inconvenient Truth" wins. Al Gore is on stage. Damn, he´s gotten pudgy.

10:46-Jack Number…ah hell, I forget.

10:49-Tribute Number 2. Ennio Morricone. Tyrol and Roslin talk about a union; Kara chews out Seelix; Seelix gets her officer bars.

10:56-Celine Dion is singing.

10:57-Atlanta/Phoenix highlights on ESPN.

10:59-"Dead Silence" trailer on Sci Fi. Leoben and Kara episode of "BSG" next Sunday.

11:00-Are they still talking? This time Clint is translating Morricone. Major winter storm in Detroit! Channel hopping again.

11:06-Best Score goes to "Babel".

11:09-Jack again times three. Yes, three different shots of Nicholson within a minute of each other.

11:11-The stars of the upcoming "Spider-Man 3" Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst present Best Original Screenplay to "Little Miss Sunshine." Guess who has a movie to promote?

11:20-Is J. Lo really the reason for high def, as the announcer claims? If she is, give me a good transistor radio. J Hud´s girls are jiggling and bouncing all around during the three "Dreamgirls" songs.

11:28-Melissa Etheridge wins Best Original Song, a sure shock to the "Dreamgirls" contingent. Upon hearing her name, she kisses her wife Tammy on the lips and then thanks her by name the minute she gets to the microphone. Ellen, go find your balls and come back, okay?

11:30-Fox News (fair and balanced, remember) report on a sport of hunting the homeless, Strom Thurmond and Al Sharton´s sordid past and terrorist attack plans in the United Kingdom. You guessed it, commercial time.

11:40-"United 93" loses to "The Departed" for editing. Kate Winslet looks radiant as ever.

11:44-JACK!

11:45-Crying time. Glenn Ford. Bruno Kirby. Jane Wyatt. Don Knotts. Red Buttons. James Doohan. Peter Boyle. Jack Palance. Robert Altman. The list goes on.

11:49-Knicks/Nets highlights on SportsCenter. Peter Gammons is at Indians Spring Training. He´s looking good, too.

11:52-Philip Seymour Hoffman, surely you´re rich enough to buy a $0.99 comb at Target. You look like you just woke up. Helen Mirren wins, big shock. (Again, 61 years old!)

12:01-Reese Witherspoon presents…Forest Whitaker Best Actor. Keisha Whitaker is beautiful.

12:08-Coppola, Lucas, Spielberg. Two great filmmakers and the guy who keeps raping consumers with "Star Wars." Marty wins his Oscar. Standing ovation. My god, this man can talk. My first thought? Is the band going to play him off the stage?

12:09-Two more shots of Jack backstage.

12:10-Jack.

12:11-Jack.

12:12-Jack…and a drunk/high/trippy Diane Keaton. Must have been hanging out with Hathaway and Blunt. "The Departed" wins Best Picture.

12:17-Confetti. Yes, confetti. At least it´s not more Jack.

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