Digital Joe #46

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Well, the newest thing in movies is upon us: the nostalgia trip. This isn´t a reimagining or the continuation of a franchise; this new genre plays on our emotions for a long lost time. Specifically, it harkens back to a simpler time for the American male, a time when cartoons could be glorified toy commercials. Examples, you ask? "Transformers," "G.I. Joe," "Thundercats"…basically, anything from the 1980s. To a lesser extent such notable blink-and-you-missed-them properties include "Visionaries" and "Dino-Riders" for the boys, "Barbie and the Rockers" and its competition "Jem" for the girls.

What´s the point of this little trip down memory lane? A live action "Transformers" film debuts in July (actually, the second movie about robots in disguise, following the 1986 cartoon version). And news came out of the Joel Silver/Warner Brothers camp last week that a new live action "He-Man" movie is on the drawing board. There is no one who was simultaneously more excited and disappointed over this prospect.

Why? As a child (and a 28 year old man), I love the story of the defenders of Eternia against Skeletor and his evil minions. I´m even on board with spin-off "She-Ra" and the much-maligned "New Adventures of He-Man" (often dubbed "He-Man in space"). When the newest incarnation of the character leapt onto our TV screens, I was front and center for every episode…and heartbroken when it got cancelled. The prospect of further adventures in this universe made me giddy like a…schoolgirl. Fine, I just admitted it.

A fellow He-Man fan-whom I also consider a friend-and I talked about putting together a new live action movie last year. It was really all in joking, but I had hoped it would come true some day. We´d co-write the script, I´d direct and he´d handle the visual aspects. This thought genuinely got me excited. Sure, a pipe-dream…our pipe-dream. But now, with this big budget film on the development slate, that´s gone now.

To show I´m not a sore loser, and to avoid a repeat of the lamentable 1987 Gary Goddard-helmed "Masters of the Universe," here are some tips to Silver and his creative staff from a fan.

First, the story needs to take place on Eternia, not Earth or some other planet. The original "Masters of the Universe" series featured Eternian locales complete with pink trees, mountains of ice and people of every length, width and height. By moving the action to Earth, the movie was robbed of those wondrous settings. Take He-Man to Darksmoke, the Evergreen Forest, the Plains of Perpitua or the Ocean of Gnarl. We don´t need to see anyone slinking around the woods near a fast food chicken joint.

Second, the characters. It´s a forgone conclusion that He-Man and Skeletor will be featured. But who else? A major problem in the original live action film were all the new characters introduced for the film. Gwildor, Blade, Saurod and Karg. Where is everyone´s favorite court magician Orko? Or Mer-Man, King Randor and Queen Marlena, Fisto, Fakor, Zodac and Battle-Cat? There are boatloads of personalities for the film to use and develop its own mythology around; save the new creations for the sequel.

Speaking of mythology, I know I´ll take flack for this, but the story does not have to adhere to what has come before. Yes, Prince Adam needs to become He-Man, Skeletor should be the bad guy, Castle Grayskull is the ultimate prize…just give us something different. I´m not talking He-Man is gay and Teela is suddenly a male; I´m thinking of how Adam finds the power sword and Skeletor being smart for a change. Freshen the whole affair up, all the while being mindful He-Man is not about pointy rifles and an evil Stormtrooper-inspired army (I´m looking at you, "Masters of the Universe").

Tone is going to be very important to the film. If the script is too referential, the common viewer isn´t going to understand. Any wild departures from the source material and the fans are gone too. Man-at-Arms should scold Orko like he would a disobedient child while the court magician supplyies all the humor. (Maybe a joke or two if Ram Man shows up.) Remember, this isn´t camp; respect the material and the characters.

At least once in the film, we need to see Adam raise aloft his sword and say, "By the power of Grayskull." When that moment comes, it will be the sequence the diehard fans have longed to see for over 20 years. A bombastic score with John Williams himself conducting? The man put together the most recognizable themes in movie history (the Imperial March and the theme from "Superman"); why not give him a crack at this project?

And we wind up with the look of the film. I´m not looking for the bright colors of the Filmation cartoon-that would be a mistake of epic proportions. Learn from Bryan Singer´s crew who brought the X-Men to the silver screen. Gone were the yellow spandex jumpsuits. In their place? Slick black leather. Fans laughed at first, but the minute Hugh Jackman walked on screen, everyone agreed the change was brilliant. Come up with something similar by reinventing the franchise.

If this movie is on track for a 2009 release (a big "if" right now, considering Silver and Warner are still negotiating for the rights), debut some footage or a teaser trailer at the San Diego Comic Con next summer. Drop the fans a bone and you´ll guarantee every single one of their asses in seats opening weekend.

Casting…I have one good idea or two right now I´ll freely offer: Helen Mirren as the Sorceress. Another? Angelina Jolie as Teela. Viggo Mortenson as Man-at-Arms. And for the titular role of He-Man? Golly, I don´t really care…just as long as former or current wrestlers are kept out of the discussion. They can´t act their way out of a paper bag. And they´re not exactly great to look at, either.

Mr. Silver, once you get the rights to the characters, I will await your phone call. I´m open for consulting duties, script re-writes…hell, with a little work, I could play He-Man.

Just kidding. King Hiss was so much cooler.

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