Digital Joe #49

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The big 80, nearly cancelled by a writer's strike. Eighty years of movie history. Glitz and glamour and perhaps the most unappealing slate of Best Picture nominee's in a long time. There aren't any glaring omissions, no dark horses to really root for. Nothing to get emotionally invested in unless Gaydolf Titler makes an appearance…

8:31-Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't these opening montages better when the host was part of the sketch? Like Billy Crystal or David Letterman? Spartacus vs. Darth Vader? Movie characters cut out of films walking down the street? Meh.

8:36-First boos: Hillary Clinton's feel good movie of the year ("Away From Here") because Julie Christie forgets her husband.

8:37-More booing. For some crack about ignoring movies which aren't good. I don't get the joke.

8:38-First time I've seen "Juno" writer Diablo Cody. Somebody needed to wear some…non-exotic dancer clothes…?

8:30-Boos for the Republican candidate joke? Oscar being 80 and that's the right for the Repub nominee?

8:41-With Gaydolf Titler, we're finally done with this painfully unfunny monologue.

8:42-First award called by my buddy Greg. He said a period piece would win. "Elizabeth: The Golden Age." (I was hoping for "Sweeney Todd," to be honest.) Well…Alexandra Byrne might be able to design costumes, but what the heck is she wearing?

8:46-Judging by the online group I'm taking about the show with, Helen Mirren can host the entire show by herself because she's so damn gorgeous. Quoted for Truth, don't ya know!

8:49-Is it in someone's contract "Uma…Oprah" can not die? Enough is freaking enough. It wasn't funny then and it's not funny now. (To top it all off, we have Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On," one of the most reviled songs in movie history.)

8:52-Anne Hathaway isn't acting drunk like she did last year. (Guess who has a movie to promote?)

8:54-"Ratatouille" wins Best Animated Feature. They got something right!

8:57-"La Vie en Rose" gets the Makeup Oscar.

9:07-Best Visual Effect? "The Game Plan" being enjoyable. Oh wait…"The Golden Compass" is recognized for the first and hopefully last time EVER.

9:11-"Sweeney Todd" gets the first Oscar of their night. I picked a period piece. I guess this counts. (A Tim Burton picture wins Art Direction…shocking.)

9:15-Another clip for the "retire" file: Cuba Gooding, Jr. winning his Oscar. Based on what he's done since then, can't someone revoke the award?

9:16-Greg says he thinks it's great how Jennifer Hudson can rub her Oscar in Simon Cowell's face. I think it's great she can rub the award AND her boobs in his face. (Oh yeah, Javier Bardem wins for that Viagra movie…"No Country for Old Men"…Old Men…Viagra…get it…oy, tough crowd…)

9:21-When Amy Brennaman says she'll back in an hour to tell us which Dove commercial wins, my first thought was how did they get her to stick around for the whole show. Then I realized she probably recorded intros for both. Duh.

9:28-Reminder: "The Darjeeling Limited" comes out on DVD this Tuesday. Brought to you by Owen Wilson's perpetually broken nose. And the Best Live Action Short Film Oscar, of course.

9:31-Gee, promo for "Bee Movie" AND a way to shoehorn Jerry Seinfeld into another Oscar telecast. Memo to the world: the man is NOT funny.

9:34-The Academy just hadda remind us Mira Sorvino got a statue, didn't they?

9:38-Props to Tilda Swinton for winning her first award. But did she really have to dress like…I don't know what?

9:44-I don't know how it's possible but Jessica Alba displays more acting ability in her presentation in all of "Awake" and most of "The Eye." And that's not saying much.

9:46-James McAvoy touches Josh Brolin's ass. Sorry, hadda point that out.

9:48-The Viagra Movie wins another, Adapted Screenplay.

9:49-Bathroom break. We're yapping about the nomination process. (And some face time for Mr. Blu Ray himself, Michael Bay.)

9:53-I'm sure Greg is doing his happy dance, now that Kristen Chenoweth is singing from "Enchanted."

10:01-Someone remind me how Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill are funny. Oh wait! They're not! (The first summer blockbuster wins an award: "The Bourne Ultimatum" for Sound Editing.)

10:05-And they're still on. Another win for "Bourne."

10:10-I always get a kick out of Forest Whitaker's lazy eye. Kinda hard to take your eye off of.

10:13-Guess all the critics were right. Marion Cotillard for Best Actress. Poor little Juno didn't stand a chance.

10:18-That's a nice little promo for the Wii. Nice screen, too.

10:22-It wouldn't be the Oscars if Jack didn't get face time, now would it? Remember last year's Jack-a-palooza, complete with bald head for "The Bucket List"?

10:24-Watching the list of prior Best Picture winners, I'm struck that the first one I've seen is 1945's "The Lost Weekend." Sad, isn't it?

10:29-More "Bourne" love. Film Editing.

10:30-Fun fact: Bill Conti, the Oscar composer, did the music for "Masters of the Universe." My, how far he's fallen.

10:32-Honorary Oscar presented by Nicole Kidman. Time to rundown the news of the day: Rockets beat the Bulls, 110-97, running their winning streak to 12, only to be overshadowed right now by Miami's 11 game losing streak. Movies and basketball, no better way to spend a Sunday night

10:41-Someone has to explain to me how Adam Carolla gets on "Dancing with the Stars." Or why American still watches the show.

10:43-Just because we've kept track this long…Best Foreign Film goes to Austria through some technicality barring "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" from competition.

10:49-Wouldn't it have been a trip if John Travolta presented the Best Original Song Oscar in his Edna Turnblad get up from "Hairspray"? I'm just saying. ("Falling Slowly" from "Once" beats a handful of songs from "Enchanted.")

10:58-Cameron Diaz is drunk. No doubt in my mind. She couldn't get any version of "cinematography" out of her mouth. "There Will Be Blood" wins its first (and hopefully not last) Oscar of the night.

11:01-Break out the tissues. Deborah Kerr, Ingar Bergman, Roscoe Lee Brown, Heath Ledger, among others.

11:09-Does it strike anyone else as unfair to compare any current soundtrack to classics like "Rocky" or "Close Encounters"?

11:11-Another Oscar mainstay: Tom Hanks. He must have this night circled on his calendar every single year. Because every single year he has to make an appearance. (Not to mention the Best Documentary Short Subject Oscar from Iraq.)

11:15-How awkward would it have been if the soldiers in Iraq presented the Best Doc Feature category with a preponderance of anti-Iraq subjects? (Kind of a shock, since "No End in Sight" had been receiving largely positive reviews. "Taxi to the Dark Side" is released to theaters this week, for the record.)

11:25-Shocking. Diablo Cody wins the Original Screenplay Oscar. And she looks like a stripper.

11:31-Helen Mirren gets more beautiful ever single year. Regal, authoritative and humble…I love her. In the most competitive category tonight, Daniel Day Lewis wins his second Oscar. And my night is nearly complete, figuratively and literally, with the second award for "There Will Be Blood."

11:42-Marty brings us Best Director and the Oscar to the Coen's.

11:44-Wrapping up a full half hour earlier than last year, a bald (and terribly sexy) announces the 80th Best Picture. "No Country for Old Men" takes both of the top prizes, nearly ensuring the March 11th DVD will be double dipped before the end of the year as an Awards Edition or Special Collectors Edition or something like that.

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