Bald (DVD)

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Have you ever watched a movie and wanted however long it took from your life back? That´s about how I felt after I finished "Bald," an upcoming release from Image Entertainment.

"Bald" really was bad. It didn´t have any decent acting, a good script or a creative approach. It took a standard premise and did nothing innovative with it. The film reinforces those same tired sexual stereotypes that have grown old and haggard, and belittles the higher education experience down to a dull nub.

The standard premise I´m referring to is the normal college student struggling through a world where he simply doesn´t fit in. We´ve seen it in "National Lampoon´s Animal House" and other films I don´t want to insult by putting their titles in the same review as "Bald." The normal college student isn´t super confidant or outgoing, but has friends who will go to great lengths for him. He´s not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, but manages to eek his way through higher education and has a pleasant experience regardless. Then, just after he´s hit rock bottom, he gets a break, has meaningless sex and everything is better until it suddenly isn´t. But thanks to some creative antics and dumb luck, the film ends on a happy note. Oh, and all this typically happens in less than 90 minutes. Any longer and you´d probably collapse from boredom.

It would be different if "Bald" had a solid foundation to work from, such as a well-written script or quality performances from its lead characters. I could at least then try to salvage something from it. Sadly, everything from its top to bottom is extremely below par. It assumes that its audience will embrace its raunchy, outlandish take on how to make it big with no education or effort, and that´s a fair assumption if you have a foundation to stand on. "Bald" doesn´t.

Andrew Wood (David Lengel) is our token college student, but just because the filmmakers needed an ongoing plot scheme, they decided to give him a big problem. He´s losing his hair at age 20, and it´s driving him huts. The film opens with Andrew having a sexual fantasy with multiple beautiful women are all over him, only to have them jump away in horror as his hair falls out during the fun. Ouchies.

Andrew lives in a house with other students, including Max (Jonathan Cherry), the overconfident and inappropriate jerk we all know and have to tolerate, Devon (Matt Crabtree), an imperfect heavy set fellow who tries oh so hard by fails more often than not, and The B (Darris Love), the token Black guy who drops a racial slur here and there but is respected because he´s loud and intimidating, not useful and intelligent. There are also Heather (Whitney Anderson) and Shirtless Cynthia (Lisa Gleave), two large breasted blonde lesbians who provide stimulation but nothing else throughout this miserable movie. Everyone seems to get along fine, but that´s probably because they´re all stoned thanks to Max´s seemingly endless marijuana supply.

One day, Andrew blows it big time, and flunks the last class he´s allowed to flunk before he gets booted out of school. Desperate for a way back in and some money to turn things around (he makes it very clear his dream is a hair transplant from the doctor who worked on Matthew McConaughey´s baldness), he and Max set up a sex website where the most attractive girls from their campus perform live sex acts online. Max is sure that lonely men from across the world will pay thousands to watch this stuff, and of course, it´s a smash hit. The money rolls in, and Andrew gets back on track with his education and a girl named Caroline Goldman (Rachel Specter), who´s about as gorgeous as gorgeous gets (just what exactly she´s doing with a guy like Andrew is something I could expand on, but this film doesn´t really warrant such detail).