Bald (DVD)

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As we all know, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Max agrees to make a commercial that airs during primetime, and some parents who have daughters in this new business adventure don´t exactly like what they see. They come hunting for Max and Andrew, only to run into a house (the pair bought it with the millions they made from their sex site) that´s been rigged with booby traps. Think "Home Alone," and you´ll get the drift.

The film ends with the students all happy as clams, and Andrew confident enough in himself to speed up the balding process by purchasing some clippers and giving himself a haircut. The beautiful Caroline ever so willingly gives her over sexualized character to him with no effort, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I took issue with a few big elements in "Bald." First, how can these folks make it big in the Internet pornography business when there are thousands of porn sites already dominating the market? Was their product really that different or unique to the point where they made millions in a matter of days? Second, what the heck do gorgeous women see in obscene, drug using, lazy, overweight, balding and generally unintelligent folks like Andrew, Max, The B and Devon? Maybe they´re extremely charming, or maybe the women are desperate beyond description. Finally, how the heck do you get funding for something like this? Maybe the better question isn´t really "how," but "why"?

Ugh, it´s no use. "Bald" has been made, released on DVD and there´s no going back. There are also no bright spots I can identify. This is a complete waste of your time, plain and simple. Even if you´re looking for something that won´t require any thought or effort to take in, this is a bad move. There are many places you can see pretty girls being stupid if you like, and there are many films that give low life men the upper hand above law and order. Please, investigate them instead.

Video:
Video quality is actually not too shabby. We´re given a 1.78 widescreen enhanced transfer to watch this disaster in, and it reflects a nice color balance with some pretty crisp and vivid images. It´s nothing spectacular, mind you, but for a really bad movie, this is a really decent transfer.

Audio:
I also thought the audio was surprisingly strong. This Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound track makes sure you hear everything, from lighters hitting marijuana pipes to female giggles during sex scenes and some less than exciting background music. Everything is audible without much effort, and that´s ever so important in a really bad film. "Bald" also provides both English and Spanish subtitles.

Extras:
All that´s available is a "Bald" featurette and the film´s theatrical trailer. A pathetic offering for a pathetic film seems to fit like a glove. Even if there were more here, it´d likely be about as good as the movie itself, which isn´t saying a darn thing.

A Final Word:
I can´t think of a single reason you´d want to even think about watching "Bald." It degrades so much in so many ways that I didn´t really want to describe it in all that great detail. I didn´t laugh a single time, and even though you might, my guess it will be for something unrelated to the film. "Bald" isn´t even a decent attempt at something higher quality in the college comedy genre. It´s done long before it even starts.