Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen (DVD)

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If this were a parody of a teen comedy, say in the manner of "Not Another Teen Movie" or a Zucker brothers or a Wayans brothers satire, it might have worked. Indeed, I was half convinced a few minutes into the plot that this was what "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" was going to be. But no. It IS just another teen movie, a wisp of vapor, complete with a fairy-tale ending. Teens deserve better than this. We all deserve better.

Video:
The movie comes in two screen formats, the original theatrical-release size, measuring an approximately 1.74:1 ratio across a standard television, and a fullscreen, pan-and-scan size. The P&S version cuts about twenty-five percent of the image off the left and/or right sides of the screen, so we'll dispense with that at the start. It's so bad, there are characters actually cut out of scenes, as in the start of chapter nine. Anyway, the widescreen version is a THX-certified, anamorphic transfer utilizing a high bit rate for maximum image quality. The results pay off. Colors are vivid and solid, if a bit dark in the face; object delineation is reasonably sharp; and grain and shimmering lines are practically nonexistent. Needless to say, one's overall impression of the video is that of a fairy tale, with colors much brighter than real life; but that's the way it was apparently intended.

Audio:
It's unfortunate that the Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound has little else to do but immerse for an hour and a half us in the most-insipid, infantile rock music imaginable. Otherwise, it comports itself well enough, with little or no deep bass or strong dynamics but a good stereo spread and a few effective surround-sound effects, like the inevitable rain that falls in the city. The audio is also quiet and clean and renders voices realistically. It's about all we could ask of it.

Extras:
As negligible as the movie is, the extras that come with it are equally slim. There is, not surprisingly, an audio commentary, this one with director Sara Sugarmann, writer Gail Parent, and producers Robert Shapiro and Jerry Leider (in the widescreen version only). It seems odd that the disc would be aimed at a young teen audience, yet there are no comments about it from any of the young teens who appeared in it. Oh, well.... Next, there's a behind-the-scenes featurette, "Confessions from the Set," which lasts a total of six minutes, just about long enough to be labeled an extended promotional for the film. Following that is a three-minute music video, "That Girl," with Lindsay Lohan; and a three-minute deleted scene, "Eliza's Fantasy." Finally, there are six Sneak Peeks at other Buena Vista releases, including a short pitch for the CD soundtrack album of this film; a THX Optimizer set of audiovisual tests; and a paltry twelve scene selections. English and French are the spoken language options, with French subtitles and English captions for the hearing impaired.

One last criticism of the disc itself. It took fully nine clicks on the remote's "next" and "enter" buttons to finally get to the movie, what with Disney logos, coming attractions, menu screens, THX intros, and the like. By coincidence, the same day I watched this movie I received a press notice from Disney announcing something they're calling "Easyfind" menus that "put viewers in control of how they watch their DVD." I have no idea yet what this is all about because as of this writing it hasn't been introduced to the public, but anything is better than what Disney is doing now. We shall see.

Parting Shots:
"Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" follows the standard operating procedure for a girl's teenage comedy so strictly that it seems like it must be teasing itself. Yet there is nothing about the picture to indicate it's anything other than what it is, a perfectly bland, homogenized, milquetoast piece of inconsequential would-be comedy fluff. It may be perfect for thirteen-year-old girls whiling away a dead afternoon, but for the rest of us it may be a long haul getting through.

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