Planet of the Apes (DVD)

Connect to Facebook/Twitter, recommend via email and much more.

---

Could it be possible, I wondered, for Tim Burton to produce a film I truly didn´t like? While I hadn´t cared all that much for "Mars Attacks" or "Edward Scissorhands," those movies showed a creative spirit I admired. But, messing with some people´s idea of a classic sci-fi fantasy like "Planet of the Apes" seemed to be stretching the limits of Burton´s imagination and my tolerance. Would the 2001 remake earn a place on my personal Burton A-list, like "Batman," "Ed Wood," and "Beetlejuice"; merely fascinate me like "Sleepy Hollow"; or send me running back to the popular 1968 Charlton Heston original, questioning Burton´s sudden lapse in judgment?

Well, I´m afraid the latter is the case. Indeed, it doesn´t even appear that Burton showed up for this one; leaden and dull, the movie is uncharacteristic of him. But the producers at Fox do it up in a Special Edition two-disc set with so many bells and whistles you won´t remember how bad the film was after watching all the extra goodies.

Chase, run, and fight. Chase, run, and fight. The film stars Mark Wahlburg as Captain Leo Davidson, who is part of a team of astronauts on the U.S.A.F. Oberon, a space research station in the year 2029. Against orders he jumps into a space module (what´s the chance?), dashes off after a chimpanzee in danger (don´t ask), gets caught up in an electromagnetic storm (which always seem to plague space travelers), and crash-lands in the jungles of Monkey Island (or wherever). He isn´t there two minutes before he´s chased by hostile apes, runs, tries to hide, fights his best, and is inevitably captured.

Wahlburg is no Charlton Heston. Not that Heston was any Laurence Olivier, but at least Heston had the proper flinty-eyed aspect and the proper cinematic background for playing a hero. After all, Heston had been Moses, for Heaven´s sake, and Ben-Hur and El Cid. The best Wahlburg can do is try to look grim and determined. In fact, Wahlburg never cracks so much as a smile, let alone any other facial expression, in over two hours of film time. Wahlburg´s character in this story is just a pleasant but essentially bland fellow with virtually no charisma. At any rate, he isn´t in Apeland long before he conveniently befriends a gorgeous, well-endowed young woman, Daena (Estella Warren), dressed in the typically skimpy attire essential to all adventure movies.

Because the rulers of this planet are a difficult lot, and because one of their number is especially brutal and conniving, General Thade (Tim Roth, who does a good snarl), Davidson decides he´d better make a break for it, taking Daena and her family (her father is played by Kris Kristofferson, for no apparent reason) with him. They are helped out by a sympathetic female ape named Ari (Helena Bonham Carter), a senator´s daughter, who is so pretty I thought she might just take Davidson´s mind off Daena for a while and become a love interest for him. But sorry. No time for personal relationships in this picture, human, ape, or otherwise. It´s chase, run, and fight. Also in the cast, though you wouldn´t know it except for their voices, are Michael Clarke Duncan (remember "The Green Mile"?) as Colonel Attar, David Warner as Ari´s father, Senator Sandar, and even the redoubtable Mr. Heston himself as, well, I´ll let you figure it out if you see the film.

I never really bought the idea of apes ruling the world in the original movie, and I don´t buy the idea here, either. Nor do the filmmakers give us any more convincing a reason this time why the role reversal of the species takes place. Indeed, in this outing when the premise is explained at the end of the picture it makes even less sense than it did the first time around. But the apes look more real and the set designs are more spectacular, so I guess that counts for something. In spite of the best efforts of special-effects artists in 1968, I couldn´t see those old apes as anything more than actors in ape suits. This time, thanks to some brilliant make-up work and costumes by Rick Baker, the apes look uncannily realistic and positively believable. Too bad their behavior is as preposterous as ever. They´ve learned to make and use swords, but they don´t have bows, arrows, or spears? And how is it that all of them, apes and humans, speak perfect twenty-first-century English? I mean, we don´t even speak the same English our parents spoke!

The movie creates little excitement, builds virtually no suspense, and altogether shuns any semblance of characterization. There is a minor element of racism in the story, the apes taking the view that only "they" are superior beings, but little more is made of the concept than was made of it in the first movie. Maybe less. Instead, we get outlandishly servile humans who outnumber the apes four-to-one but have never figured out how to deal with them, even though these humans are intelligent and communicate with one another perfectly. And we get a finish that tries to top the original for surprises but does so only in number, not in ingenuity. Yes, there are multiple endings, and I found all of them alarmingly silly.

I don´t want to leave you thinking Tim Burton wasn´t at least on the set for this job. There are a few cute, Burton-type quips and eccentricities: "Never send a monkey to do a Man´s job." "Take your stinking hands off me, you damn, dirty human" (you have to remember the original line). "One thing you don´t want in your house is a human teenager." A simian organ grinder has a performing human midget collecting money in a tin cup. And an ape senator´s wife has "a bad hair day." Yeah, well, maybe Burton wasn´t responsible for thinking up these bits himself, but they´re the only things I could think of to credit him with doing well in the film.