Road House 2: Last Call (DVD)

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Viewing "Road House 2" was like watching a stranger kick in my front door, grab my newborn son from his crib, claim him as his own, and then start punching him in his tiny little face. Admittedly, I have no children, but the love I have for the original "Road House" is not too dissimilar from that between father and son. While people with children love to talk about their spilt seed and show everybody pictures, I love to tell people about fun movies they never thought they would enjoy, like "Road House," and then get them to watch it.

"Road House 2" follows the well-known sequel road paved by films like "Grease 2" and "Teen Wolf 2," whereas instead of making an original film, capitalizing on the great piece of art that came before it, the writers and producers opt for the easy out by essentially remaking the first film and slightly changing minor things here and there. In "Teen Wolf 2," rather than have Teen Wolf's cousin be a basketball star, he's a boxer. In "Grease 2," instead of a visiting girl form Australia, it's her brother from England; in "Road House 2" in lieu of a well-written action film, we get this steaming pile of excrement I wouldn't want any part of, even if I was a starving fly.

"Road House 2" is a car wreck from begging to end, but it's not even in the so-bad-it´s-good vein. Unlike the original, this film takes itself far too seriously and tries to make you believe that everyone is cool and sexy and fails to convince on all accounts. Swollen-eyed Jonathan Schaech, who is probably best know for divorcing Christina Applegate, stars as Shane Tanner, the supposed son of Patrick Swayze's iconic Dalton character from the original film. But when everyone knows the name Dalton belongs to one badass sunvabitch, why would you go by Tanner? This is the kind of inexcusably bad writing you end up with when you let a former male model turned actor be one of the writers. That's right, one of the three hacks responsible for this mess is non other than Schaech himself.

Loose cannon DEA agent Tanner leaves the agency when his bar-owner uncle is nearly beaten to death. Tanner turns up in town to clean it up and…oh, who cares. Let me put it this way, "Road House 2" is so bad that Jake Busey is the film's brightest point. Yeah, it's that bad. "Road House 2" has less to do with the original film and more to do with cashing in on a fondly remembered film, and since it would be more fun for both you and me, let's just name all the direct-to-video sequels we can think of. I'll go first. For your turn, add any I missed to the comments section. Just remember it can not have played in theaters; it has to be direct-to-video. "Bring It On, Again," "Wild Things 2 & 3," "Hollow Man 2," "Walking Tall 2 & 3," "The Net 2.0," "Turbulence 2 & 3," "George of the Jungle 2," "Universal Soldier 2 &3," "The Cutting Edge: Going for the Gold," "Firestarter 2," "K-9 2 & 3," "American Psycho 2," "The Arrival 2," "Addams Family Reunion," "Single White Female 2," "Slap Shot 2," "The Prince & Me 2," "Doctor Doolittle 3," "Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God," "Children of the Corn 3-7," " Inspector Gadget 2," "The Skulls 2 & 3," "I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer," "The Crow 3 & 4," "Carlito's Way: Rise to Power," "The Prophecy 2-5," "Starship Troopers 2," "Darkman 2 & 3," "American Pie Presents: Band Camp," and the mouthful that is "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure." And don't forget all those unbelievably bad Disney sequels that do nothing but taint the originals; if I tried to name them all, it would probably crash the server.