Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Theatrical)

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I previously thought "Transformers" was the most Michael Bay that Michael Bay ever Michael Bay-ed. But, the Bay actually out-Bays himself with the sequel, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen." The second film based on the popular Hasbro toyline is bigger, louder and longer than every previous version of the property combined. It´s a two and a half hour assault on the senses. Notice I haven´t said anything about it being a great movie?

Like most sequels, "Revenge of the Fallen" has more of everything, more robots, more action, more characters, more explosions (including one that took seven months to set up) and more glamour shots of Megan Fox. It actually has more story. Not a better story, just more half-ass subplots strung together into a semi-coherent narrative.

It´s been two years since the Transformers arrived on Earth. The Autobots led by Optimus Prime (voiced again by Peter Cullen) battle alongside an international taskforce led by Maj. Lennox (Josh Duhamel) and Sgt. Epps (Tyrese Gibson) in hunting down any remaining Decepticons still in hiding. Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) says goodbye to his Autobot protector Bumblebee and girlfriend, Mikaela (Megan Fox) as he prepares to go to college. I don´t remember what school he enrolled in, but every female student is thin, flawlessly beautiful, lathered in make-up, and horny for advanced theoretical physics. Sam´s new roommate is Leo Spitz (Ramon Rodriguez), a tech head who runs a conspiracy theory website attempting to uncover the truth about the Transformers. Leo replaces Anthony Anderson´s character as the annoying, comedic sidekick computer nerd. Meanwhile, Sam´s long-distance relationship with Mikaela is put to the test by an overly aggressive co-ed (Isabel Lucas).

Sam barely makes it through day one before his hopes of a normal life are dashed. He breaks out into near-epileptic fits after touching a sliver of the Allspark that had been destroyed in the first film. He goes into John Nash mode, seeing ancient Cybertronian hieroglyphs everywhere. The Decepticons want what´s in Sam´s mind as it will lead them to a machine that can destroy the sun and harness it into their fuel source, Energon. The villainous robots resurrect their leader, Megatron (Hugo Weaving), who now takes his orders from the title character, the Fallen (voiced by "Candyman" Tony Todd). The Fallen was one of the original Transformers who betrayed his mechanical brothers. He´s the Palpatine to Megatron´s Darth Vader.

There´s also a government toady who blames the Autobots for all the death metal destruction and pushes to have them deported off-planet. John Turturro´s Agent Simmons is also back, now working the counter at his mom´s deli.

Where there were about a dozen Transformers in the first film, Bay ups the ante for the sequel with forty-six including fan-favorites such as Soundwave (once again voiced by Frank Welker who also did Ravage), the Constructicons who merge into the much-larger Devastator, and Arcee, one of the few female Transformers. Many die-hard Transfans will likely be disappointed by their long-awaited appearances. Devastator is reduced to a lumbering quadruped whose main form of attack is to literally suck. There´s also Jetfire, a geriatric Decepticon who defected to the Autobots long ago. He´s nothing more than a plot device to move the characters from point A to point B and drop a huge chunk of exposition in the middle of the film.

The biggest problem with the increase in the Transformer population is the fact that you can only tell a handful of them apart. This muddies up the action sequences when you have no idea who is who. Was that an Autobot that got destroyed or a Decepticon? It also doesn´t help when Michael Bay directs the majority of the action with the patience of a ten-year old with ADD on a truckload of methamphetamines. Bay can´t keep the camera still for a second to allow the audience to actually watch the battle, instead choosing to pan the camera around and around in a dizzying pattern. Just because the camera constantly moves doesn´t make the scene more interesting.