Bikini Bloodbath (DVD)

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After painfully sitting through the seventy-three minutes of "Bikini Bloodbath" and taking a peek at the trailer included on the DVD, one thing that stuck firmly in my brain was the warning about the movie being unrated due to boobs, blood, and bad words. Those three things summarized the film perfectly, because it doesn't contain any other real substance.

It's the morning of the last day of high school, and Jenny (Leah Ford) awakens to the sound of the radio alarm. She quickly gets dressed, and as she is preparing for the day, a broadcast comes over the airwaves warning their listeners that a serial killer is on the loose. Chef Death, as coined by the media due to his occupation and murderous ways, remains at large while his body count continues to grow.

Of course, a dark comedy B-movie wouldn't be complete without the jiggle factor, and that's where the bikini part of the title comes in--as Jenny and six of her blossoming friends decide to celebrate their graduation by throwing a slumber party at Jenny's house.

We meet the rest of the unknown actresses playing volleyball in gym class under the guidance of their phys-ed teacher, Miss Johnson (Debbie Rochon). She's kind of manly, and she makes vulgar innuendos that she's playing for the other team. The rest of the girls are just a bunch of bubblegum airheads that might be nice to look at but definitely could benefit from a mute button.

The girls then hit the showers for some well-placed nudity to keep the viewers from shutting the movie off or falling asleep. For being teens, the girls are very mature for their age--if I had to guess, I'd say most of them were in their late 20s or early 30s. Now, just in case I start receiving letters, I'm not saying that as a negative. The point I'm trying to make is that it didn't help make things believable.

Back on track, on her way home after school, one of the girls decides to take a shortcut through the cemetery. With the graveyard setting, the spooky music, and the white chef hat that sneakily keeps popping up from behind tombstones, you just know something bad is going to happen to her. Needless to say, that prediction is right on target, and Chef Death can carve another notch in his cleaver.

There wasn't much story going on after this point. In fact, the film has a bunch of haphazard music montages as filler in a poor attempt to stretch the whole thing out. There is a montage of the girls buying their party snacks and other supplies at the grocery store, there's another of them decorating the house with balloons and streamers, and quite a few more but I lost count around six or seven.

Speaking of the music, one the main contributing bands is White Liger, whom I've never heard of, but they must have had a hand in the production as their posters were plastered in just about every scene. I can understand the logic for one in the teenage girl's bedroom, but most parents would never allow their children to hang hair-band posters on the walls of their living rooms.

The party eventually is underway, and after playing Twister during another repetitive montage, the girls once again strip down to try and keep the viewers on life support. They bare all as they finally slip into their skimpy bikinis and head out to the hot tub.

Meanwhile, not very far away, the high school football team is having what looks like a slumber party of their own--playing Parcheesi and eating S'mores. They're easily identified by their attire, not because they are wearing jerseys or team jackets, but because they are all wearing white T-shirts that have "Football Player" printed on them. All except the coach; he happens to have "Player" crossed out with a magic marker and "Coach" scribbled beneath.