Universal Soldier: The Return (Blu-ray)

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Okay, I get why action films usually don't feature good acting. It's because the people who are capable of kick-ass martial arts and no-holds-barred fighting didn't exactly learn their craft at Juilliard. What I don't understand is why the writing is often so punch-drunk silly that you'd swear the ripped stars pounded the screenwriters before they could even finish the first act. Put those two factors together and about the only thing you can hope for in a film like this is that there are enough cool stunts and action scenes to make up for it.

And are there, in this 1999 theatrical sequel? Well, I suppose that depends on your outlook. Jean-Claude Van Damme plays Luc Devereux, one of the first Unisols (Universal Soldiers) created from dead soldiers on the battlefield. He's part of a project to end humans dying in war by recycling all the dead guys into bio-enhanced bodies that are outfitted with little brain implants and directed by a mega computer named S.E.T.H. (Michael Jai White). These guys can get shot, blown up, run over, set on fire, and still they keep coming like George Romero zombies. And it seems as if there's non-stop battles with these Unisols. Like the zombies, however, when you know that no harm can befall them, the action sequences can start to feel a little "who cares?" So you perk up a bit when a few people jump off a building and into a truck, or when Luc uses cardio paddles like a pair of ear muffs on one of those Unisols and kicks the other one into spin cycle in a dryer--something a little more creative than the usual blast-and-bash. The audience for a film like this probably will think it cool that even strippers in a club get in on the fight-the-Unisols action, and of course there are the requisite fires and explosions. But when the smoke clears (and it doesn't, really--there's not much of a narrative arc, just near-constant fights) you're left with about as much as those original dead battlefield bodies. And no, as far as I'm concerned, there aren't enough cool parts to make up for the debacle.

In this film, Devereux is partnered briefly with Maggie (Kiana Tom), and the two of them basically put the Unisols through their paces, testing them so that the project team can continue to make them stronger and more invincible. You kind of get an idea of what kind of audience the filmmakers think will see a movie like this when one of the "exercises" ends with a big dude named Romeo (real wrestler Bill Goldberg) tying Maggie to a tree, opening up her top, ogling her surgically enhanced breasts, then saying, "Now it's party time, Maggie."

The lead scientist for Ryan-Lathrop is Dr. Dylan Cotner (Xander Berkeley), who created the computer that runs the whole shebang. As the plot unfolds (and we can see this coming), he's like every other well-intentioned inventor since Frankenstein. What's unusual (and illogical) is that this top-secret Ryan-Lathrop military facility is also home to Devereux's daughter, Hillary (Karis Paige Bryant), who even gets tutored by S.E.T.H. and spends time with him. She's the only kid in the entire complex, and she's there, of course, just to pose a threat to her father in case someone grabs her . . . which you know is a pretty safe bet. The news team and female reporter--who gets access to the installation just about the time that S.E.T.H. gets wind of budget cuts that will shut the place down and decides to pull a Hal and take over--is another familiar trope. We've seen it in "China Syndrome" and countless other disaster movies, so when Maggie is put out of action it gives the male lead a female (Heidi Schanz) to accompany him through the rest of the film. All of this is pretty predictable. What we don't see coming is that a blue-haired basement dweller named "Squid" (Brent Hinkley) who talks like a skateboarder is revealed to have been involved in the project: "Why should I help those Ryan-Lathrop pricks. I had great plans for you," he tells S.E.T.H., "and what do they do? They fire me."