By every standard of good filmmaking, Constantine is a mess. Yet I did not find it one of those so-bad-it's-good affairs. I honestly enjoyed it.
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This may be one of the best awful movies ever made. Or maybe I'm just the only person on the planet who thought "Constantine" was a comedy and enjoyed its whimsy.
Based on the character of John Constantine from the Vertigo "Hellblazer" comic books, this 2005 movie version is bound to upset fans of Alan Moore, Jamie Delano, and Garth Ennis's demon-fighting hero with its outlandish dark humor, its wild-eyed monsters, its muddled plot, and its starchy star, Keanu Reeves. Nevertheless, taken in the right light--that is, with no expectation of finding anything in it even remotely serious--"Constantine" can be fun.
The movie's prologue begins by introducing a properly dire tone: "'He who possesses the Spear of Destiny holds the fate of the world in his hands.' The Spear of Destiny has been missing since the end of World War II."
Presumably, the Spear of Destiny being referred to is the celebrated Spear of Longinus or Spear of Vengeance mentioned in the Arthur legends, the spear reputedly used to pierce Christ's side during the Crucifixion, and the spear Hitler claimed to have found (and lost after the War). One such spear currently resides in the Hofburg Museum in Vienna, but it's thought to be a medieval fake. Anyway, this spear is discovered by a Mexican scavenger at the beginning of the picture, and it afterwards facilitates the entrance of demons into our world. I have no idea where that idea came from, but then, as I've said, nothing in this film is meant to be taken in earnest.
John Constantine (Keanu Reeves) is a demon slayer, a guardian of mankind against the evil forces of Lucifer and his minions. According to Constantine, God and the Devil made some kind of bet on which one of them could best persuade people to follow them. They sent down angels and demons to subtly urge people to do good or bad. Usually, these angels and demons remain unseen, whispering quietly in our ear, but now things have changed. Constantine's job is to seek out the spirit demons when they get too frisky and send them back to Hell, but suddenly he finds some of these demons are crossing over bodily into our world. That's supposed to be a no-no. Something is amiss.
Apparently, only Constantine can stop the demons from taking over the Earth. I feel so much safer when Keanu Reeves is around.
The fun begins with the opening sequence, where the aforementioned scavenger finds the Spear of Destiny while digging through some rubble and is immediately made invulnerable to pain or death. His collision with a car in the middle of nowhere and the incredible dent he makes in the automobile have got to be done for laughs. At least, you'll laugh once you've picked yourself up off the floor; it'll give you quite a start. And it's also a remarkably well executed shot for its technical expertise alone.
Next, we have a scene straight out of "The Exorcist," with a woman literally climbing the walls and hanging from the ceiling, snarling and hissing, clearly possessed of the devil. Constantine takes such exorcisms in stride, punching out the demon as a part of the day's work. It's a kick.
So, why is Constantine a demon hunter (or "Hellblazer" in the graphic novels)? Seems he attempted to commit suicide in his youth, a mortal sin according to God, and now he's trying to buy his way into Heaven by doing God's work. With a natural-born sixth sense (he can see dead people, and living ones for what they really are), he's a one-man army of the Lord; only the Lord is not exactly going for it, and Constantine is just hoping for the best. To make matters worse, the poor guy's dying of lung cancer.
The plot really gets going when the twin sister of a police detective, Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz), jumps off a building to her death. The coroner says it's suicide, but Angela believes she was pushed. She goes to Constantine for help because on a surveillance tape taken of the fall, her sister's last word was "Constantine." Is that ominous or what?
There's a solid supporting cast who give the story a good deal of color and humor along the way. Shia La Beouf plays Constantine's young apprentice, Chas Kramer, an amusing cab driver and wannabe demon fighter. Djimon Hounson plays Papa Midnite, the owner of a night club that is neutral ground for half-breeds, demonic or angelic. Papa is also something of a sorcerer. Max Baker plays Beeman, Constantine's squirrelly supplier of occult tools. Tilda Swinton plays Gabriel, a goofy, androgynous, half-breed angel. British singer Gavin Rossdale plays Balthazar, a spooky half-breed demon. And Peter Stormore steals the show as Lucifer, a petulant, tough-guy, gangster type with wonderfully weird voice inflections. I'd liked to have seen more of him in the film.
Not that the movie is all plot and characters; it's educational, too. For example, Beeman provides Constantine with the following materials and advice: "Bullet shavings from the assassination attempt on the Pope; holy water ampules from the River Jordan; and, oh, you'll love this--a screech beetle. To the fallen it's like nails on a chalkboard." Besides that, we learn that the quickest way to visit Hell, short of doing bad things and dying, is to stick your feet in a tub of water. So, say you're soaking your extremities in a hot basin of water after a long day's work, and your wife tells you to go to Hell; hey, you just might. Admit it: How many movies can offer such invaluable counsel?
Then, there are the scenes that stick in memory. I already mentioned the car crash; another involves swarms of insects that attack Constantine and end up smashing against the front end of a passing automobile. Think of it as your worst bug-on-the-windshield nightmare. Or how about brass knuckles with crosses fashioned on them, the perfect weapons for smacking demons.
And there are some good lines: "I don't believe in the devil," says Angela. "Well, you should," responds Constantine. "He believes in you." Or Angela's observation, "I guess God has a plan for all of us" and Constantine's reply, "God's a kid with an ant farm." Unfortunately, there are not many such lines. Mostly, there's just a truckload of CGI graphics interspersed with the occasional quick rejoinder.
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[release]15983[/release]