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About a year ago, my enthusiastic review of the "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within" DVD (Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within) drew much ire from DVD Town´s readers. Someone accused me of being a fanboy of the studio that produces the "Final Fantasy" videogame series. Someone accused me of being a smelly geek who doesn´t bathe because I´m too busy playing videogames. Someone even accused me of being anti-American for raving about a movie that wasn´t made for "American" audiences.
I was surprised by the amount of feedback that my review generated. I was also surprised by the number of people who couldn´t deal with the fact that a computer-animation movie was trying to break new technological ground while being a thoughtful, philosophical work. Does being "American" mean that I am only allowed to watch movies that are mindless, lightning-fast, and instantly forgettable? I hope not.
For those of you who found "Final Fantasy" to be too contemplative, too methodical, or too serious, Sony proudly presents another videogame-inspired movie of a very different ilk: "Resident Evil". "Resident Evil" the feature film is a prequel to the videogame series. It purports to explain how/why the world comes to be overrun by zombies. It is also the final straw for me when it comes to director Paul W.S. Anderson. Mr. Anderson has often been confused with Paul T. Anderson, the director of "Boogie Nights" and "Magnolia", so he recently added the "W.S." to his screen credits. The "W.S." does not improve the quality of any of his previous hack jobs--"Mortal Kombat", "Event Horizon", "Soldier", etc.
Furiously-paced, unreasonably-loud, and headache-inducingly edited, "Resident Evil" is the worst film of the year so far in 2002. There´s little to recommend in it; not even the shots of model/actress Milla Jovovich´s naked body are worth much commotion. The movie did yield one positive result, though--a side-splittingly hilarious review by Roger Ebert of "The Chicago Sun-Times". Here are some excerpts from his savaging of "Resident Evil":
"Resident Evil" is a zombie movie set in the 21st century and therefore reflects several advances over 20th century films. For example, in 20th century slasher movies, knife blades make a sharpening noise when being whisked through thin air. In the 21st century, large metallic objects make crashing noises just by being looked at.
The vast Umbrella Corporation, whose secret laboratory is the scene of the action, specializes in high-tech weapons and genetic cloning...You would think Umbrella could make a door that doesn´t make a slamming noise when it closes, but its doors make slamming noises even when they´re open. The narration tells us that Umbrella products are in "90 percent of American homes," so it finishes behind Morton Salt.
According to the Internet Movie Database, [Milla] Jovovich plays "Alice/Janus Prospero/Marsha Thompson," although I don´t believe anybody ever calls her anything. [Michelle] Rodriguez plays "Rain Ocampo," no relation to the Phoenix family. In pairing classical and literary references, the match of Alice and Janus Prospero is certainly the best name combo since Huckleberry P. Jones/Pa Hercules was portrayed by Ugh-Fudge Bwana in "Forbidden Zone" (1980).
The plot: Vials of something that looks like toy coils of plastic DNA models are being delicately manipulated behind thick shields in an airtight chamber by remote-controlled robot hands. When one of the coils is dropped, the factory automatically seals its exits and gasses and drowns everyone inside. Umbrella practices Zero Tolerance. We learn that the factory, code-named The Hive, is buried half a mile below the surface. Seven investigators go down to see what happened. Three are killed, but Alice/Janus Prospero/Marsha Thompson, Rain Ocampo, Matt, and Spence survive in order to be attacked for 60 minutes by the dead Hive employees, who have turned into zombies. Meanwhile, the monster with the 9-foot tongue is mutating.
There is one neat effect when characters unwisely venture into a corridor and the door slams shut on them. Then, a laser beam passes at head level, decapitating one. Another beam whizzes past at waist level, cutting the second in two while the others duck. A third laser pretends to be high but then switches to low, but the third character outsmarts it by jumping at the last minute. Then, the fourth laser turns into a grid that dices its victim into pieces the size of a Big Mac. Since the grid is inescapable, what were the earlier lasers about? Does the corridor have a sense of humor?
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[release]10350[/release]