there is very little T & A one can ogle and not a single moment of wrestling one can enjoy
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"Wrestlemaniac" was a film that I had wanted to see after stumbling across a news article about it over a year ago when it had the great title, "El Mascarado Massacre." It was being promoted as a film about a demented Mexican wrestler known for ripping his opponent´s faces off who happens upon a group of young Americans traveling south of the Border to shoot a porno. The killer was reported to be a big name in the wrestling industry, and one of the female stars included an unnamed former WWE star. Right off the bat, I was enticed; three off my favorite things in the world--Luchadores, porn, and hardcore horror--all under the banner of one film had my heart going pitter-pat.
In the time since the film´s initial announcement and the moment I inserted the DVD into my player, my mind swirled with possibilities. I dreamt of masked men doing huricaranas from atop tombstones, buxom bombshells running through dusty Mexican towns drenched in somebody else´s blood (and nothing else), but above all else I was patiently waiting to see faces being gruesomely ripped from their owner´s skulls and then mounted on a wall like trophies. These were all of the things I was looking forward to seeing in "El Mascarado Massacre." Unfortunately for me, that movie doesn´t exist. What I got was a hunk of junk with the horribly punishing title "Wrestlemaniac" that is completely devoid of any wrestling moves whatsoever, has women that are as well endowed as you average trailer park methhead, and features gore that looks exactly like strawberry jam. El Mascarado´s victim´s look like they were slaughtered by the waiter of the local IHOP rather than a crazed luchador. Maybe the filmmakers struck a commercial deal with Smuckers. If so, they could have played off their classic tagline, "With a name like "Wrestlemaniac, it has to be boring!"
The basic plot of "Wrestlemaniac" remains the same as when it was initially announced. A group of twenty-somethings travel to Mexico to film a "Bang Brothers"-style gonzo porno flick, only to stumble across a crazed Luchador who attempts to kill them all. While this premise still sounds great on paper, its actualization pales in comparison. The group of amateur pornographers is made up of six incredibly unlikable losers. On the male side, one is a hipster douche bag, another is your typical stoner character, and the other is a fat, lecherous moron. Of the three "porn actresses," only two actually show off any nude flesh, and they´re about as curvy and sexually attractive as the flat mat of a wresting ring. One of them has the scariest breasts I´ve ever seen: they look like she had a back alley boob job just to get them to "a" cup size. They´re so odd and foreign looking that at a recent screening of the film they caused Tara Reid to throw up into a pitcher of Seabreezes.
The one girl who keeps her clothes on is also the supposed "former WWE star." But dubbing Leyla Milani, who was a runner-up in the 2005 WWE Diva contest, a "wrestling star" is like referring to David Arquette as a former WCW champ. Sure, it´s true, but nobody wants to remember it. Milani does little in "Wrestlemaniac" besides running away from El Mascarado, which given the speed limit of the fifty-year-old wrestler portraying him doesn´t amount too much. Her sole redeeming moment in the film is an absurd position she contorts her body into while hiding from the murderous luchador towards the end of "Wrestlemaniac´s" mercifully short seventy-five-minute running time.
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